October 21, 2012

Essential Self

"We are like actors, turned loose in this world to wander in search of a phantom, endlessly searching for our lost reality. When others demand that we become the people they want us to be, they force us to destroy the person we really are. It's a subtle kind of murder. The most loving parents and relatives commit this murder with smiles on their faces. " Jim Morrison

I would be lying if I said in the last couple of years I have reinvented or found my true self. I think I have been on a journey for many years and if you believe in reincarnation then maybe many past lives. Our daily lives shape us in who we become but it's the time of awakening in which you truly come to life. It's a moment of ah ha, there may be many of these times throughout ones life and I welcome and love them it keeps things real at least for me. Just recently in my most conscious mind I have recognized something powerful and magical in my life and that is to accept that I can chose my path whether it be negative or positive. So I have taken the power in to my own hands to get what I need to be happy. I used to think it was pretty typical, fall in love, buy a house, have children, and don't forget the stuff, gotta have stuff, and when you get it get some more stuff.

Somewhere something in me snapped and a realization occurred that if I can get all these external desires fulfilled, Why can't I use my power to gain something bigger and better.  For me I began to process what was important to me and honestly answer them with no judgements. It was a hard process because I had old childhood and societal records playing in my head saying, Stop feeling sorry for yourself, You're a man don't be a wimp. There is a point at which we have to take responsibility for our misery as well. It is not others alone who commit murder to our dreams but kind of a suicide, it's easier to put blame on outside sources than to look within. Happiness is what I desired. Who in the hell doesn't  want to be happy you idiot. I want to stay happy, not the feeling of buying a new car happy but eternal happiness. I knew that even in the most sad and undesirable moments I surely would encounter I still could attain happiness, to not suffer.

For me this meant a shift of being in the moment, to find beauty in what ever predicament I was in at the time. Be content. I remember something the Dalai Lama said "calm mind happy life" I carried that quote in my wallet and pulled it out when I felt stressed. I could start seeing the beauty in what surrounded me. That's when my reality started to transform. I began to let go of feelings of resentment of outside sources. You know stuff your Dad did or didn't do, or 'god my boss is an ass hole'.

Once I found peace, my mind opened up to the possibility that I don't have to march to the beat of someone else's drum. After 16 years of working construction out on the road I put in my two weeks notice . I didn't have a job lined up - the only thing I was betting on was that in mindfulness and positivity, your inner strength can provide your every need. So my amazing journey began.