Summer Snapshots

A half hour after this photo was taken, we all loaded up to go join the Halo: Reach prelaunch party at Game Stop. Well, Saylor enjoyed the festivities, the rest of us hung out in the car and read Harry Potter. And slept. ;)
Big Daddy on the Rope Swing.
Saylor on the rope swing.
Sunshine Girl.
Hangin' with the friends.

Little moments...

So, these are kind of in 'reverse order', but that's ok. Here, Beautiful Stone turns 9! We had a small gathering of friends join us at Peppy's Pizza where we ate pizza, played games, had some lazer tag fun and gorged on chocolate cake - well, I gorged. I love chocolate cake.
My lovely sister and my sweet baby daughter. Simply kissable, both of 'em!
Max, our old dog. He was brought home about a month before I got pregnant with Saylor. Saylor turns 12 in January. Old dog. Deaf now, but still totally loyal and protective of our babies.
Daddy and Baby Girl.
One of 4, yes, ***4*** visits from Diana and Hayden this summer. I love these people. I believe we're playing a very fun game called "bullshit" here. I highly recommend it.

To My Children

I was reading Post Secret today, and this particular post stuck out to me in a big way.

When I think long and hard about the kind of influence I want to have on my children, and the type of relationship I wish for with them, it comes back to this.

I know the feeling of 'guarding' myself when talking to or hanging out with my family. And I feel sorry for them that they don't know me, my authentic, whole, beautiful Self. It's my own fault, I realize this. I wonder how to begin showing them, and wonder, also, why it has to be so hard and scary to be real with people. Baby steps... I know I'll get there.

I work very hard every day practicing acceptance and loving kindness with my children, so they know deep down that they never need to guard themselves with me. They never need to 'omit' part of a story, or feel shameful or embarrassed sharing their thoughts with me, for fear that I will judge them. Each of them has a life of their own, they are on a journey that may or may not reflect bits of my own, and that's ok. It's better than ok. It's the way of the world, whether people want to admit it or not. Some people think they will be successful in controlling their kids to do what they say, when they say, etc. It might work for a while, but I wonder if they stop to think about the damage being done? Do they understand that they are likely missing out on knowing the true essence of that child? What a tragedy. To know oneself is the most important thing we can do for ourselves, yet so many of us have no idea who we really are. I wonder why that is......?!

To my beautiful children, the Lights of my life:

I promise to love you, to accept you, to celebrate life with you no matter what that looks like. I promise not to have that look of disapproval, or that tone in my voice that makes you feel bad or less, I promise to jump right in there with you to share whatever emotion you're sharing with me. I promise to be Grateful for this life that we get to spend *together*, and I can't wait to watch as your life continues to unfold for you.

You amaze me every day. I'm so Glad to be your Mama... <3

I just gotta be me.

Dang. Damn. Shit. Hell.

ahem...

Ok, it's been a long, long, long time since I made it a priority to WRITE. Writing makes me ~~~feel~~~ better, so, why don't I do it, already!?! Well, do you have a minute? I'll begin to begin my story. Read along if ya like.

A couple of years ago, I was so terribly betrayed by somebody in my family. Read here, if you want the dirt. It's over and done now, but I believe it damaged me a great deal. I think back to the person I was *before betrayal* and who I am now, and I'm different. I don't want to be different, damaged, any more. It's time I reclaim my mojo and get on with it.

I am taking back that part of me that is Confident, Proud, Self-assured, Strong, Fearless, Trusting. I need to move forward as that person. My children need me to move forward as that person. They deserve nothing less than that person.

When I wrote regularly, my life just seemed - - - better. Was my life better because I wrote? Did I write because my life was better? One thing is for sure. I pay more attention when I write. I watch more, I notice more, I'm more present. Weird, I know. I never pretended to be normal.

So, here I am. The Whole of Me. For everyone to read and judge. But, that's their deal. I'm here, as me, doing what I will do, and making no apologies for who I *AM*.

And so... here goes.

It's Almost Official

Our new home...

We've been looking all winter. Thinking, asking, discussing, dreaming, wondering, researching.

We thought about country living. Love the idea. It's very romantic, and I like to imagine myself living in the country, but, the reality doesn't jive. So, smack dab in the middle of the city is the place for us, for now. Five minutes to everything. Easy access for all of our traveling friends to swing on in as they pass by.

I'm working 15 hours/week at the Breadroot and John is on the road all the time during this busy season, two more big reasons not to be outside of town.

We're closing end of July. I'm so very ready to be in our own home again.

Just to make you giggle!

A friend came to play recently and forgot to take her wig with her when she left. We had some fun with it.

For Today...

...since that's all we really have.

The boys are snuggled up watching Dino Squad episodes (thank you NetFlix/Watch Instantly option!) and eating fluffy scrambled eggs, made by their mama with a joyful heart. And it feels oh so much better that way. I've been wandering down that evil road lately, you know the one...the one that's got it's own original soundtrack labeled "Old Tapes That Run Through Your Mind and Threaten All That is Possible"... the road, the steps that have the words and phrases running through my head that sound a little like this...(read in your best, is me voice)... "I'm cooking all day. Nobody ever helps me. I'm bothered by this cluttered, messy house. Why can't you just do what I say?...and on, and on, and on. Yick. Yuck. Blah.

What I continue to learn, and evidently need frequent reminders about, is that I have a choice. Wow! I truly, really, honestly have a CHOICE about how I want to BE, about *who* I want to ****BE**** with my children.

So, I happily scramble up the local, farm fresh brown eggs for my sweet sons. (2 separate batches, because of a late riser). And yes, honey, I would love to help you find something on Netflix to watch. And guess what...I'm instantly rewarded (because who doesn't like rewards...again, yuck, but a whole separate post). Perhaps I should say that I instantly Feeeeel the Love and Gratitude from my boys, and it feels mighty nice. I like this road.

I'd planned to do a couple errands this morning while everyone slept, but decided to wait around to see if anyone would like to join me. Nope. They're good right where they are. So, the girl (presently snoozing in the sling next to my heart...ahhh...) will go and do the necessary running around while the boys get to do exactly what they want to do, too. Gotta love a life that allows for all of our needs to be met!

Wednesday, January 13

What wonderful weather we're having here right now. And we deserve it, after graciously accepting the below zero weather that's been the norm for several weeks now. The boys all took the cold snap great. We played lots of Wii and PS2. They hardly touched either all summer long, so they're getting their time in I guess.

Yesterday we went for a long walk on the bike path that's near our house. Zuri slept, I walked (w/ Zuri in the sling), Sage went by bicycle and Stone and Saylor both walked with me. Stone had his airsoft guns along, so we made plenty o stops to shoot various snow banks and water puddles.

Today, we took a short walk to the nearby park and met some friends there. The boys bicycled about a bit, and spent a little time on the playground, though it was pretty darn snowy all around. Still didn't keep my Sagey boy from keeping his shoes on, though. Something about being at the park, the shoes just gotta go for that kid. Stone, too, actually, but he kept his on today.

Saylor turned 11 on Monday. His Golden Birthday. Can't believe my guy is 11 already. I remember the day he was born. I remember vividly having tears in my eyes the day he turned 5, like it was such a milestone. And now, here we are, and he's 11. What happened? Life happened, I guess. He's a wonderful child, though he does like to annoy the piss out of his little brothers, with a special affinity for making Stone squeal any chance he gets. Yes, I know there's something awry, some need that he's trying his best to communicate to me, and I'm trying hard to see/find/understand it. Mostly, I just try to love the pieces out of him. Sure hope that's enough.

Life is good here for all of us. The winter is zooming right past, before we know it spring will be here. For today, I'm just trying to focus on my children and it feels really, really good. I'm Grateful and Loving What Is...